" vampire "

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1: ruined by stephenie meyer and her creation TWILIGHT

  * e.g.,  ... a real vampire does not/is not: 

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1: A vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self expression, but they can assume many seductive forms.

  * e.g.,  ... Sally: My mom won't let me be in Bare just because it curses!  

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2: 1) The pigmy vampire:

  * e.g.,  ... John: Ew, what a vampire! 

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3: Will swarm around you head like gnats and say things like:

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4: "Your teeth need whitening."

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5: "You went to state school?"

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6: "You sound weird."

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7: "Shakespeare, Sondheim, Sedaris did it before you and better than you."

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8: "You cannot sing good enough to be in a musical."

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9: 2) The air freshener vampire:

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10: She might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny.

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11: She smells something unpleasant in what you’re creating and will urge you to spray it up with some pine fresh smell ’em ups. The air freshener vampire doesn’t want you to write about bad language, blood, or blow jobs.

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12: She wants you to clean it up and clean it out which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless, but you’ll be left with two tight paragraphs of kittens that your grandma would be so proud of.

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13: 3) The vampire of despair:

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14: It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:

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15: "Who do you think you’re kidding?"

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16: "You look like a fool."

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17: "No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough."

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1: n. A person who uses your electronic device to power their electronic device. v. To plug into another person's device to power your own.

  * e.g.,  ... My iPod's dead. I'm going to vampire off your laptop. 

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1: Started by Dracula. Raped by Twilight. Thanks Stephanie Meyer. Bitch.

  * e.g.,  ... random guy-Dude vampires are the shit! Random twilight bitch- Oh em jeee!! yuo shuuld reed twilitez random guy- i shouldn't random twilight bitch- *starts crying* 

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1: The action of having sex with a girl while she is actively on her rag then, subsequently, having her go down on you. The blood dripping from the sides of her mouth after this action will cause her to look quite similar to the famous creature of the night.

  * e.g.,  ... "What!? She told me she was on her rag!" 

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1:  A sanguivore is the kind of vampire with the need for blood. These guys are the real kind, but are mortal, have a reflextion, and are only SENSITIVE to light. They can go out in the sun and eat garlic and touch roses so get that fairytale crap out of your head. They need blood, though. They don't neccesarily LOOK like a vamp or have the folklore vampire lifestyle. AKA a sang vamp.

  * e.g.,  ... Vampires aren't modern-day Draculas, they are much more complicated. 

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2:  A psy vamp feeds off of energy rather than blood. Sometimes a sang vamp is short on food and resorts to psy techniques. AKA an energy vampire.

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3:  A vampyre looks like one a vamire, but doesn't neccesairly need blood. A vampyre is "into" the whole vamp thing and can be considered to have a vampire fetish, but doesn't need blood and might not even be into that area.

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4:  Awakening is when a true vamp goes through a "puberty" of sorts and realizes what they are.

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5:  Turning is when a normal person becomes a vamp through a scarcely known techinque.

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6:  Blood Fetishists don't need blood and AREN'T vampires, they just LIKE it, whether it be sexual or just for kicks and giggles.

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1: An (perceived by its victim to be) attractive and charming person who continually creates and thrives on unrequited sexual tension and drains emotional and vital energy as well as material resources from the victim. The vampire frequently will retain the same donor for months or years without giving anything of the aforementioned energies in return, or setting the victim free to pursue a mutually nurturing relationship. The victim often, over time, demonstrates near-matrimonial devotion and will develop something resembling true love for the vampire master. The vampire frequently does not understand how they have fed at all, nor how near death their victim actually is, and contrarily thinks that the relationship somehow benefits their victim.

  * e.g.,  ... Showtime original series "Weeds": Nancy (role of vampire) and Andy (role of vic) 

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1: Vampires are characterized by the following attributes:

  * e.g.,  ... TWILIGHT FAN: Edward Cullen is a vampire. 

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2:  They are undead, meaning that they have died, but risen again as creatures with tremendous strength, but also a weakness to various things, including garlic, sunlight, and crucifixes.

  * e.g.,  ... DRACULA FAN: No. No, he isn't. 

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3:  They are consistently extremely malicious, and seek out humans for one or more of the following purposes: to kill and eat, to use as cattle that they consistently drain small amounts of blood from, and/or to turn into more vampires.

  * e.g.,  ... TWILIGHT FAN: Shut up! What do you know?! You were born in the late 1800s! 

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4:  A vampire has no conscience. Vampires may recognize people that they knew while alive, but they have no emotional response associated with this recognition, other than bloodlust.

  * e.g.,  ... DRACULA FAN: This is true. 

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5: Also, some kids dress up as vampires and refer to themselves as "vampires..." but actually they are just human high schoolers with too little homework.

 [ "vampire" ]

1: A lawyer, especially a lawyer specialized in personal injury claims.

  * e.g.,  ... I hate lawyers... what a bunch of vampires. 

 [ "vampire" ]

1: Sanguinarian. A human that derives their energy from blood. Corrections:

  * e.g.,  ... A vampire is really a Sanguinarian. 

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2: Only SENSITIVE to sunlight

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3: Garlic is friendly

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4: Crosses, some sangs are Christians

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5: Stakes, kill anyone

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6: Bats, no

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7: the transformation (You must be born and awakened. Awakening means, coming to the realisation that you are a Sanguinarian.) What the legends got sorta correct:

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8: Increased strength (can beat pretty much anyone in an arm wrestle)

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9: Better sight ( They were caught reading in dim or no light.)

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10: Better hearing (can hear the whine of the lights and/or the buzz of the TV without straining to listen)

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11: Better smell

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12: Empathic

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13: limited precognition

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14: Drink blood (using either blood from packaged meat or from a willing donor. Only taking a tablespoon amount)

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15: Nocturnal (daymare for teens awakening because of school running during only the day time. Most are seen resting their head on the desk, when the teach isn't looking)

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16: Above average intelligence (controlling the bloodthirst is considered to be harder than starvation and/or giving up cocaine. It takes a level of brain activity to outsmart it each time)

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17: Pale

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18: Cold skin

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19: Slow heartbeat Things you may not know they suffer from:

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20: Nausea

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21: Hot/cold flashes

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22: Shivers

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23: Paranoia

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24: Depression

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25: Blurred eyes

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26: Stomach pain

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27: Higher risk of allergies

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28: Blood dreams The lingo:

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29: Twoof - strongest blood urge (if your sang says she's gonna twoof or she is, get yourself out)

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30: Mundane - someone not currently suffering from the sanguine condition

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31: Black swan - donor